Some sins are harder to cope with than others. Even after we’ve repented and have been freed from our shame, it’s still easy to hold onto that shame. Sometimes I think I tend to hold onto things I’ve already given to God because there’s still some things I’m not ready to be honest about with myself, and it turns out that I never gave that part to Him in the first place.
Not being honest with myself means I can’t possibly be honest with God. If I won’t admit something to my own heart, I won’t be able to admit it to God, who actually already knows about it, but the act of me telling Him and giving it up to Him activates my ability to open my heart up to God and for Him to be able to communicate with me. It can be difficult to do this because if I don’t even want to admit something to myself, I certainly don’t want to give it to God, who deserves more praise and glory than I could ever give Him, and yet all I have to offer is my sin and shame.
Holding things back from myself only stunts my spiritual growth. I can feel it hardening my heart to God’s wisdom and forgiveness, and although I know He wants all of it, I wish it wasn’t there in the first place. I push it to the side to deal with when I’m ready to face it, which could be any amount of time. I put it off to the side so I can still see it but I don’t have to deal with it. I keep it in a spot that I can still feel it but that I can still manage without having it in my way.
God doesn’t function on the same timeline we’ve created for ourselves. If there’s something He convicts in our hearts, there’s a reason it’s coming up now. What may seem inconvenient now may help us to not be overwhelmed later. There’s a huge amount of trust that must take place when I deal with what God has in store for me right here and now because a lot of times I tend to already be overwhelmed with life in general, and taking on what God wants me to take on instead of what appears to be relevant in my life doesn’t usually make sense right away.
I want to stop just being okay with holding onto something and keeping it in a “safe place” until I’m good and ready to deal with it. I want God’s priorities to be my priorities, no matter what’s happening in my life. In order to do this, I need to follow Him with reckless abandonment and tune into what He has in store for me. I need to pray constantly and not hesitate to give everything I face to Him and not forget to hand over the glory in every situation.
I also need to remember that I can’t make any of that happen without His help.